i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
