Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
