kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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