I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
