wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
