She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
