Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
There's always time for handjobs
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
