Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
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