my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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