Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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