he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
