I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
