I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
