First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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