I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
