Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
it's like iHOP with fire
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
