My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
