Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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