theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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