im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
