remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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