My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Randomize
