i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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