Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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