Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
