I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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