I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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