Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
