he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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