Pappa wants mamma naked
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My life is pants optional.
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