We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
All the doctor said was why
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
