Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Randomize
