i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
