No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
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