I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
