Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
