Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
