sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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