ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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