My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
