I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Your topless pictures make me question reality
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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