the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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