i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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