i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
