i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
