When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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