ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
