The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
