You really coming over, don't trick.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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