I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
