i was rollin on her like bob the builder
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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