I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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