I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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