I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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