I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
