And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
