Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
