"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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