My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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