Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize