i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
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